3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
