Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
