glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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