Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
