I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
