A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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