Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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