everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I had to cum in my sink.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
