we made out on top of his cat.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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