Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
