Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
