if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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