I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
