Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
