is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
