Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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