Jerry, you need to find god
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine