Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My ATM looks so different sober.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
