He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
