Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
