dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
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i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
