Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
