Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
