So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
