Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
