If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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