I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
