the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
