We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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