Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
