I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
