laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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