At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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