I hate all girls vehemently.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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