Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
