Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
