My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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