omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
