I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
