Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
