the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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