please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
