she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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