Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
