Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
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also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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