I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
