i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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