Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
