apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I cockslap morals
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
