Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
