i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
