If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
