I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.