highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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