i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
