WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
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I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
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He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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