he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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