So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
